What straight men don't understand about lesbians

The unmasking of two fake lesbian bloggers has shown that heterosexual men are deeply fascinated and wildly confused by gay women. They need a man's guide to being a lesbian

Straight men have long had a fascination with lesbianism. Tap the word into Google and you can see the range of porn available, from "Naughty girls sharing their Huge Toy", to "Vicky and Nea need no men". I have lost count of the number of times men have asked me what I "do in bed". They can't imagine sex without a penis being around somewhere, which is presumably why so many lesbian-fanciers offer to help out in the bedroom.

Once, on my way home from a party with a girlfriend, I was asked by a passing motorist if we would consider putting on a sex show for him in the back of his car while he watched. Our state of inebriation was such that all he would have got for his money was a bit of snoring possibly interrupted by puking, so we declined out of courtesy.

Male fascination with things Sapphic is usually born out of total indignation that we do not desire the male form. They are genuinely shocked that women can have fun together when we, as one charmer once said to me, "have no genitals". I still laugh at the memory of a lesbian comedian saying during a gig: "It's not that we dislike penises, we just don't like them on men."

I have been told that I am a lesbian because I have yet to find the right man. If finding the right man was a prerequisite of heterosexuality, we would soon be extinct.

But things seem to have got out of control lately with mens' obsession with lezzerism. First the blog supposedly written by a lesbian from Damascus was found to have been written by a man living in Scotland, and then it turns out that Paula Brooks, the editor of the lesbian news website LezGetReal, is a retired Ohio military man and construction worker. What is going on? Do we not have enough lesbian writers without having to make them up? Do I need to churn out more diatribes?

Being an out and proud lesbian with a public profile, I often get slated by men who take umbrage that I am not exactly their type for a sexual fantasy...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/jun/14/men-dont-understand-lesbians-bindel